Diary of a House Hunter

This diary covers the period of November 2016 to July 2018. These are part of what was a two year property hunt in Melbourne Eastern suburbs by me, mid-30s, winning personality, and my partner Joe, mid-20s, graduate architect. Join us in reliving the shear horror of being a first home buyer in the Melbourne real estate market. There is swearing, there is rage, and - except for minor grammatical editing and [editors notes] - these are my own words as they were first published (on Facebook).

JOIN US IN THE HUNT

Diary of a House Hunter. 12 November 2016.

1 auction and 6 inspections later.... I'm taking my free chuppa chup and going home!!

Diary of a House Hunter. 22 November 2016.

Saving to buy a house in 2016.

Me: I need a cash job 
Joe: You could give hand jobs in the toilets

Seems about right....

Diary of a House Hunter. 5 December 2018.

Real estate offers: 0 for 3

Diary of a House Hunter. 5 December 2018.

Brick wall illusion is as disappointing as house hunting. Screw you world.

Diary of a House Hunter. 26 August 2017.

Playing "how much for this house in an American capital city?" 5 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms, half an acre, Memphis...

Answer: $425,000

Bonus answer: buy anywhere but Melbourne

Diary of a House Hunter. 2 September 2017.

There are absolute fuckwits with too much money buying beautiful architectural homes and giving them a right royal screwing. Besides my bitter disappointment felt today this makes me fucking angry. A requiem for a concrete block - Modernist Australia

Diary of a House Hunter. 7 September 2017.

Oh good. A break for investors. I'm so f**king happy for them. [link]

Jenna: My name is Jenna and I suffer from Real Estate rage. The doctors tell me it can be relieved through the purchase of property.  

Leigh: First step is accepting your problem, you're clearly in REHA? Real Estate Haters Anonymous

Diary of a House Hunter. 27 September 2017

The only thing more gruesome than watching Stephen Kings IT is trying to buy a f*$king house in Melbourne.

[We were on our 8 year anniversary dinner and movie date when - about two hours later than we were told we would get a call - we got the call half way through dinner to say that we were unsuccessful - no fucking shit.]

Diary of a House Hunter. 28 October 2017.

[Drawn on my notepad as we disappointingly pulled out of the auction. The agent saw me writing something and showing it to Joe and came over to harass/help us. "Just another 10k" (it was already 50k over where we pulled out from. Dick.) This auction was particularly distressing as we had even gone so far as to ask the parents to come along.]

Diary of a House Hunter. 28 October 2017.

No house but I did get to wear a backstage headset and tell people to be quite. Two of my favourite things.

[I actually cried backstage after the show when the emotions all hit. But didn’t I look momentarily happy?!]

Diary of a House Hunter. 9 November 2017.

My life as quoted by a domain article:

“There is definitely still confusion in the market place with the price quoting,” she said. “Many people don’t understand it and are still adding 10 per cent or more to the top of whatever the quote range is.”

Diary of a House Hunter. 17 November 2017.

Shortlist for Saturday. Done. 😂😭

Diary of a House Hunter. Saturday 18 November.

House One
Mt. Evelyn. 
One acre land. Auction. 
Listed price $430-490. 
Opening bid $430. 
Second bid. Vendor bid $490. 
$600 still not on the market. Talking to owner. 
Leave auction in mild disgust. Watch auction live from car as driving to next inspection. 
Land sells for $685.... Remember it was listed for $430-490.

Feeling 😠

Diary of a House Hunter. Saturday 18 November.

House Two
Boronia. 
Small, two bedroom. Has an above ground inflatable pool. Tempted to swim. Asbestos with massive holes. Is that asbestos floating in the air? At least the block is flat.

Is someone using the toilet? Is that a thing?

Feeling 😲

Tom (currently trying to sell a house): A long day for you both. We can talk about burning estate effigy’s another time.

Me: Yes. It appears its not fun on either side of the transaction. I’m saving all the brochures of all the houses we visit so Joe and I can eventually build a cardboard house of all the houses we didn’t get. A burning effigy will keep us warm at night.

Diary of a House Hunter. Saturday 18 November.

House Three. 
Upwey. 
Is that a free range dog? Native garden. 
Love love love. So much character. 
Complimentary packs of gummy bears. 
Nice back yard. Fuck. Something is biting my ankle *drops gummy bears* fuck fuck fuck. Jenna you are standing in a bull ants nest. Fuck it bit my finger too. Goes back to house *gets another packet of gummy bears* 
Is house built on ancient burial ground?

Feeling 😶

Diary of a House Hunter. Saturday 18 November.

House Four. 
Croydon
Steep. Painted concrete. Did they paint this place yesterday? I think I'm going to pass out. Is that window painted shut. Love the glazing. Is that a bathtub or an oversized basin installed on the floor? Oh bungalow... Mum can live there. Feels overpriced. Yes, Croydon is. So much paint fumes.

Feeling 🤢

Diary of a House Hunter. Saturday 18 November.

House Five. 
North Bayswater
Flat block of grass and concrete. Handrail to check letterbox. Mirror panelled walls, furry carpet, green tiles, 100% original overything. Very cute. Holy fuck they are giving away chocolate bars. *takes snickers* I wonder if I could make an offer on the plant stand? It's nice.

Feeling 😏

Diary of a House Hunter. Saturday 18 November.

House Six. 
Montmorency
Sah fucking steep. Can't give name to agent, can't breathe. Did I bring my puffer? Top range of our budget. Disappointingly small. All the elements but just not good enough for that much $$$. Their child may be called Ziggy? Can't figure out how to get into back yard. Yard so steep I will NEVER go into it. This was a bust. Wonder if I can make an offer on Ziggy name plate?

Feeling 😐

Diary of a House Hunter. Saturday 18 November.

House Seven. 
Croydon
Super cute. Agent points out she has same phone cover... Is this a sign? Are we best friends now? Did someone just use the toilet? It's a thing. That's a thing people do. They use strangers toilets and then people come home and strangers have used their toilet. I feel like this is against the code. Oh Barry Plant lollies... Yumm.

Feeling 😎

Diary of a House Hunter. Saturday 18 November.

House Eight. Last house. 
Mt. Evelyn
Fuck look at all these cars. Shit this road is narrow? Why is everyone walking on the road? Did she just pull out? There is no way she can get past. *reverses* why are the people standing behind the car? Can you see the house? So many people. We're not going in. 
F*** this s***!

Feeling 😵

Unsolicited, yet helpful, advice. Saturday 18 November.

Diary of a House Hunter. 19 November 2017.

"Unless public funds are put aside to provide more affordable housing for those aged between 20 and 35, we could see greater divisions in society, more youth support for extremist groups and damaging levels of alienation."

If anyone knows of any good extremist groups in the Eastern suburbs I could join let me know. Just not skydiving cause I'm scared of heights.

Diary of a House Hunter. 22 November 2017.

Upwey

Today we submitted our 8th house offer since starting this journey. We went with a confident and generous 30k above the top of the range. We received the first phone call. "you need to dig deeper" so we added another 20k and went to a longer settlement. In total our offer was 55k above the highest part of the range. We didn't get it. Good thing I'd already gotten into my pjs and poured myself a "Jenna" (frangelico, apple juice and grenedine - you are welcome).

We tried to become mountain folk and the mountain said no.

I hate house hunting.

Feeling 😤

Edit: they had a total of 18 formal offers... That’s a lot of negotiation room...

Diary of a House Hunter. 24 November 2017

Buying a house in the digital age. Joe searches Domain app and I search Real Estate app - divide and conquer. I search this app approximately 7 times a minute. It is my preferred social media app.

On Wednesdays the new listings start getting posted. My phone starts joyfully notifying me of new listings in my search and I begin to ⭐ the shit out of everything. Its the best time of the week. Mondays are the worst. That's when the saved listings start getting updated with sold prices. And my phone notifies me of every goddamn sale. Curse you Real Estate app, curse you to hell. I love/hate you so hard!

Diary of a House Hunter. 24 November 2017.

Melbourne's affordable housing solution...

Diary of a House Hunter. 25 November 2017.

CBF. Tore it up on the dance floor last night and am now watching #TheLoop from bed. Infinitely more satisfying than house hunting in Melbourne. And the are playing Hootie and the Blowfish so I consider this weekend a 10 already.

Feeling 😊

Diary of a House Hunter. 4 December 2017.

I received my RACV e-news today which had some helpful information on another factor to be considered when considering a house purchase... Bloody burglary rate! Luckily these areas haven't been in our search lists just yet...

Diary of a House Hunter. 5 December 2017.

Tonight I captured rare, actual footage of a real estate negotiation between a Real Estate Agent and a first home buyer.

[I had a video I took of a fox dragging a possum carcass into the darkness. I don't know were the video is. Leave me alone]

Diary of a House Hunter. 13 December 2017.

We've learnt some harsh lessons today... Scrolling back through my enormous collection of saved properties in realestate.com there were properties I loved but forgot about... They sold for well under what I expected! The 💔 is palpable/I'm so fucking ragey about some of these we missed.

I decided to do some digital Kon Marie #sparkjoy and removed all sold properties to a separate collection so I can only see the active listings that I like... I wonder if people can guess how many houses I have considered purchasing in the last year according to my new SOLD collection? Closest guess will win a prize 🏆 (psst it is a chalice of my tears 😭 )

[I have considered 253 houses! We have made offers on 8 or 9. This is a photo of the first house we missed out on. Looks like a bargain these days! ! ]

Diary of a House Hunter. 16 December 2017.

After completing a busy morning of house inspections DO NOT do a drive by of a house you missed out on. It DOES NOT lift the spirits. Especially seeing the Christmas wreath on the door and knowing someone is spending Christmas in a new house. Rather it makes you want to punch the stupid wreath in its stupid face. 🎅🎄👊

Diary of a House Hunter. 23 December 2017.

Why oh why are we doing inspections this close to Christmas. I know, because we are hoping no-one else is. And Joe is hungover from his Christmas party. Merry fucking Christmas. 🎄

Diary of a House Hunter. 23 December 2017.

Lilydale

Oh steep road. Oh narrow road. I don't want to die whilst doing a property inspection. Bush block. Wait, no that's just a shit tonne of ivy and blackberries. Steep driveway. Need to catch breath when we get to the top. Great glazing. It's a cat house, eww. How do you get to the back yard - just go out the front via the carport. No around the carport and up the steep steps. We will never come into this backyard. Wait, it's also a dog house, phew. Another hunter is telling agent she has a goat. We could get a goat. Step 1 - buy house. Step 2 - buy goat. 🐐

Laura: you can rent a goat.

Me: My friend used to live in this area and she borrowed a goat and someone STOLE it!!.

Laura: Hillbillies.

Diary of a House Hunter. 23 December 2017.

Today we received a solid game plan on how to get a better deposit together. I want to share cause I think there is room in the market for a number of people to do this. Buy a bush block somewhere in the bush. Plant acres of dope. Sell it. Come back in a year when you have all the money. Make money, money, money.

Diary of a House Hunter. 23 December 2017.

Lilydale

Another steep driveway. We are inspecting the house that could easily be described as feature walls gone wild. We know we are walking into taste free zone but we are hoping the bones are good. The house is being supported by rock retaining walls - front and back. I cannot begin to describe the decorating. The view is pretty good. The back yard is rocks and dirt but weeehooo there is some good cacti growing wild. It's a tough one. Ugly, steep but potentially cheap... 🌵

Diary of a House Hunter. 23 December 2017.

Chirnside Park

Oh wow, there's a blue tongue lizard on the lawn. Yes, but it's dead. Is this an omen? I like this one but I'm not allowed to like anything cause it leads to tears. The agents look as lively as the lizard. It's Christmas. I'm going home.

Melanie: At least it wasn’t nailed to the door.

Diary of a House Hunter. 26 December 2017.

Missed my Christmas day Diary entry by that much - as has been the trend of my life in 2017. We have been staying at the country house (also know as Joe's parents) and like any good house hunter I packed a section 32 just in case I needed that contractual special conditions hit between the crackle and the pav.

Christmas is a time to reflect and be greatful. Whilst I feel no way grateful about the ongoing torture of house hunting that has consumed my life, I am very grateful that Joe and I are in a position to be able to consider buying a house. This morning I raise my cup of tea to all of those who have been excluded from the opportunity to buy a house because the market is soooooo fucked up. I know there are a lot of you out there and I think there needs to be a special HHA group for those of us struggling to get on the wagon.

So, cheers to those of you who form the stats of children living with parents into adulthood (no shame - save those pennies); those who live in share houses with that one guy who doesn't clean the toilet; those of you who when you do buy are a million miles from family and friends and jobs cause it's what you can afford; those whose pay rise doesn't match the rise in house prices (pretty much everyone); those who are single and doing it alone (I wouldn't be able to afford a house if Joe wasn't here); those who are compromising on everything that their parents and friends never considered compromising on; those of you who have committed to renting cause shit is fucked; those of you who have that new kettle/toaster/coles myer gift card set aside for the day you finally get a house; and, everyone else who knows where I'm at. I wish you all a Merry Christmas. Xxx

Diary of a House Hunter. 3 January 2018.

Watching The Big Short is the housing equivalent of watching Paranormal Activity in slow motion. Never forget GFC.

Diary of a House Hunter. 27 January 2018.

May the odds be ever in your favour.

Diary of a House Hunter. 29 January 2018.

"no battle plan survives first contact with the enemy" paraphrased battle advice given by Helmuth con Moltke the Elder by way of my co-worker.

Never were truer words spoken of the offer process of purchasing a house.

Diary of a House Hunter. 30 January 2018.

"Paris-end of nunawading" is hands down the funniest real estate description I have read to date. Thanks for the lols.

FYI. If anyone is interested in where the "Paris-end of Nunawading" is, it's behind the Whitehorse Arts Centre. Sure it's nice compared to our corner of N-town but "Paris" is a bit of a stretch....

Diary of a House Hunter. 3 February 2018.

Just saved over 700k. Avocado all round.

[We could have got the house but we withdrew our over eager offer. I cried. ]

Diary of a House Hunter. 10 February 2018.

Croydon Hills

Sitting out the front waiting to go in and up rolls an Audi (agent), a Mercedes, a Chrysler, and a BMW. And there we are, sitting in our Golf. I mean, they wouldn't even let us into the house! It had sold four hours prior but that's not the point, dammit.

Diary of a House Hunter. 10 February 2018.

Ringwood East

My favourite agent, Donna, was showing this house today. Donna was pregnant when we started house hunting and now her kid is like over a year old. Seeing her was like catching up with an old friend. Before Christmas she and her real estate partner decided to break away from the major agency they had been working for and start their own. We spent a lot of time discussing how awesome it was that as a young mother she was starting an epic new business and f#*k the haters who doubt how awesome women can truly be. These ladies are the real deal. House was NTB.

Diary of a House Hunter. 1 March 2018.

This year I've had a virus, stood on a cacti, rope burn on my ankle (Ziggy's lead you pervs), a massive cold, bad asthma, but it's ok cause it was predicted for me in the Year of the Dog. Oh, also says finances and career will be bad. Come at me 2018. Take what's left.

Adam: Or you could spin it on it’s head and look at it like this: All your health issues will strengthen your immune system for the impending outbreak of <insert animal> flu of 2019; Any additional rope burn you may suffer WILL be the result of perviness (spice it up!); Your finance will be a mess because you will finally buy a house & be drowning in debt; and Your career will become high pressured because you get that promotion you’ve been angling for!

However, you’re probably right.. being a B*yth can suck at the best of times 😉 ]

Diary of a House Hunter. 17 March 2018.

When dressing a house for sale, you need to ask yourself. How many pillows are enough to sell this house?

So, did this house dresser get it right?

Diary of a House Hunter. 17 March 2018.

Some houses have it all:

Art gallery ✔️ 
Creepy furniture placement and wall cracks you could hide money in ✔️ 
2 x Californian Redwoods in a suburban backyard ✔️

Unsolicited - but enjoyable - listing. 18 March 2018.

Laura: I know you will appreciate this Jenna. It’s very old but remains mindblowing.

Kate: They've really pared back to make the space feel bigger. I can tell because there are no toys in the bathroom.

Diary of a House Hunter. 26 March 2018.

[actual email quote from an agent] ...if a buyer wishes for the fish tanks to stay that is ok. The vendor will be taking the fish.

🐠🐟🐠

Regrets of a House Hunter. 1 April 2018.

I regret not getting a burner phone and burner email. I've been compromised. 
🔥 ☎📧🔥😡😈

Melissa: now you can outbid all your opponents with your winnings… I think it’s a silver lining honestly.

Me: My monopoly portfolio can begin... 🏠🏠🏠🏠🏠🏡🏡🏡🏡🏡🏡🏚🏚🏚🏚🏚🏢🏢🏢🏢🏣🏣🏣🏣🏤🏤🏤🏤🏥🏥🏦🏦🏦🏨🏩🏩🏪🏫🏬🏭🏯🏰💒🗼🕌

Diary of a House Hunter. 7 April 2018.

House 1.

Architect architecting.

Diary of a House Hunter. 7 April 2018.

House 2.

Shallow bath or extra large shower base?

Diary of a House Hunter. 7 April 2018.

House 3.

Steeper than it looks.

Diary of a House Hunter. 7 April 2018.

House 4.

I see what they've done here. Very clever. 🌲🌳🌲

Diary of a House Hunter. 8 April 2018.

Today I saw a psychic. I asked about the house. This was one of the cards. This shit is real. Seeking spiritual intervention now.

[I pretty much cried throughout this tarot reading. House Hunting was putting pressure on our relationship and seeing this card broke me.]

Diary of a House Hunter. 14 April 2018.

Bought some packing tape for if the glorious day finally arrives.

Diary of a House Hunter. 14 April 2018.

Taking a much needed weekend off from hunting to take a solo drive to the nations capital and catch up with a dear friend.

Diary of a House Hunter. 16 April 2018.

Did we: 
A. Get pregnant
B. Get engaged
C. Buy a house
D. All of the above

Diary of a House Hunter. 16 April 2018.

Joe and I bought a house.

The End.

OK, it’s not quite the end… keep reading…

Diary of a House Settler. 17 April 2018.

This week I signed a house contract at Canberra. Arranged a mortgage at Dog on the Tucker Box. And panicked at HMAS Otway.

I feel so bloody Australian.

🐨

Oh and agreed to a ridiculous house price for that extra dash of Melbourne flavour.

Diary of a House Settler. 20 April 2018.

Woke up at 5am and freaked out about which varitation of our signatures we used on the contract. No more sleep was had. 😴

Diary of a House Settler. 23 April 2018.

I really think this house is peachy keen 🍑🍑🍑

Diary of a House Settler. 24 April 2018.

Unsubscribing from mailing lists I never agreed to be on is never a 'mistake'... These last chance messages smell of hope and desperation 💩 pew-wee!

Diary of a House Settler. 27 April 2018.

Possibly the best part about waiting for the house is seeking out furniture with understated elegance.

Diary of a House Settler. 1 May 2018.

Telstra disconnected our Internet three weeks early. Thanks Telstra. Fuck you telstra.

Diary of a House Settler. 3 May 2018.

When you accidentally use a free, cheap pen to sign all your very important and legal loan documents. Results may vary.

Diary of a House Settler. 4 May 2018.

Friday Night Fridge Clear out competition

Contender number one is a partially used block of Copha. Popular uses include chocolate crakles; chocolate crackles; and everyone's favourite childhood food, chocolate crackles.

Best before 21 November 2012

Diary of a House Hunter. 8 May 2018.

We went for a family walk in our extended backyard. Not too bad.

Diary of a House Settler. 11 May 2018.

Cried on the phone to RACV. Have I hit rock bottom in this process yet? 5 sleeps to go.

Diet of House Settler. 12 May 2018.

Two minute noodles (chicken) with a Kraft single (for diary).

Desert is left over Easter eggs.

Diary of a House Settler. 13 May 2018.

Cupboard clear out competition

Contender Number 2 is a spicy international entrant that packs a powerful punch. Harking back to an era of colonization and luxury this contender has been passed from generation to generation yet seldom used. Much like the rich white commander in chief featured on the front - this product is out of date.

Best before 1 March 2003

Diary of a House Settler. 15 May 2018.

One sleep to go, yo!

Diary of a House Settler. 15 May 2016.

I've done some googling and the results are inconclusive... It is a good omen to have a huntsman crawl across the inside of the windscreen of a car you borrowed whilst driving at night time that results in the speedy and violent death of said huntsman? Asking for a friend... 😮🚗 🕷🔪💣🔫 😱☠️

Diary of a Home Owner. 16 May 2018.

30 days ago we got to make an agent take a sticker off a sign so that we could put the same sticker on the same sign.

Today we got to move into the house behind said sign.

Diary of a Home Owner. 26 May 2018.

Someone is washing the dishes and it ain't me (or Joe)... After 6 years we are happy to welcome a dishwasher into our lives... #modernlife

Diary of a Home Owner. 3 June 2018.

We moved in three weeks ago and today was the first time I had the courage to drive down the drive. Well the neighbours drive which is slightly less steep. Maybe one day I'll have the courage to drive up but let's not rush. #ridgelife

Diary of a Telstra Customer. 6 June 2018.

Today I heard from Marvin - our case manager. It was the actually first time I had proof of life for Marvin. Marvin assured me he was taking ownership of our case. I assured Marvin that it was three weeks too late to take ownership and that I am going to the ombudsman. Marvin told me it would be fixed in 4 hours. Good joke Marvin.

Diary of a Home Owner. 17 June 2018.

Live on the side of a hill they said, the views are worth it they said, meanwhile I can't sleep for fear of the house being washed away in the torrential downpour.🌨🌧☁️ #ridgelife

Diary of a Home Owner. 18 June 2018.

Drove up the (neighbours) drive alone. Headline reads 'Warrior woman conquers mountain". 🚗 #ridgelife

Diary of a Home Owner. 24 June 2018.

Today I unpacked my LP collection. It is small but there is some great material in there. Take for instance these two notable collections... I've never seen Hair.

2019 - ONE YEAR ON

The Melbourne housing market started to crash a few months after we purchased. It is super hard not to be super bitter about things. I truly love our house but I despair at the two year journey that we suffered through and that after all that time we really did suffer the fate that we had been dreading. We have purchased for the long term - we hope to be here for 30 years -but it is difficult to not be concerned at the 7% price plummet that our area has had.

Reading back through the Diaries I wish I could laugh but there is a heavy stone in my heart that won’t let me. It is easy to recall the disappointment and sadness that occupied my every waking moment and I am sorry to say that I think I will be carrying this sorrow with me for some time to come.

We want to extend a warm thank you to our brokers at Fowler Finance. The Fowler’s were with us from day one when we first started down this road. They ran many, many valuations and they answered many, many questions. In the two years we were hunting the mortgage rules changed considerably. The 30 day settlement was a particularly trying time and they were a wonderful comfort.

To our parents, thank you for your support - sorry to take you on this ride with us. A big thanks for helping out during the move. We are terribly sorry about the hill that you will have to walk up every time you want to visit.

To all our friends - thanks for the lols. Your comments on the Diary entries really did make the whole thing more bearable - I mean it was a horribly unbearable time but you helped ease it a little. I am sorry that the purchase of our house meant you could not laugh at our plight any longer.

OK - I gotta go repair a retaining wall….